Dear Mr. President-

In the few remaining minutes before the termination of your occupation of the White House, I’m writing to request a Presidential Pardon. I know this may seem last minute, but since you’re a dealmaker I know you’ll do anything for the right price.

First, please pardon me for ‘not giving you a chance’ as so many Republicans chided me for failing to do when you were elected. I compared your administration to the Third Reich and identified your tactics as similar to Hitler’s constant lying and incitement of mob violence. No doubt if I had thought more highly of your immoral character our country wouldn’t have suffered the surge in hate crimes committed by empowered white assholes with small dicks.

Second, please pardon me for laughing at your clever nicknames, such as Orange Shitgibbon, White Kanye, Fascist Hamburglar, Peep-Show President, or Vestigial Ass-Polyp Stuck on Auto-Fellatio. It was immature of me to insult someone who is so obviously mentally ill. Maybe if I had earlier recognized just how sick you are, I would have refrained from denigrating your pompous misogynistic maliciously narcissistic sad sack and simply referred to you as the Urine Stain on the Oval Office Carpet.

Third, I ask you to pardon me for condemning, sneering and spitting in the direction of the idiots you conned these past five years. As Jesus wrote on his Facebook page, “Father forgive them; they don’t know what they’re doing.” If only I were more like Jesus with his wavy blonde hair and California tan. But instead I’ve flipped off truckers waving Trump flags, yelled at people wearing masks below their nose, laughed in the face of ‘patriots’ and blocked every fascist from my social media. For the hell they’ve released in this world, eternal damnation somehow doesn’t feel like justice. Instead I want to watch them atone publicly with self-flagellation using a cat o’ nine tails every week during the first 100 days we restore democracy.

Finally, please pardon me for the unforgivable offense of wearing white after Labor Day. I realize this one careless act will haunt me the rest of my life and even though I’m sending you thousands of dollars to issue me a pardon (like so many others), I will always carry this shame. But it was the day Joe Biden was declared President-Elect and I felt like celebrating after four years of shrouding in black. From now on I promise to only appear in public with a rainbow flag painted on my face, wearing bull horns on my head, no shirt, and organic pants.

Thank you for accepting my request. Please see attached manila envelope containing unmarked non-sequential bills.

May the Flying Spaghetti Monster Bless America.

Sincerely,

Paul Bright
Patriot