The Price of Pain

20 Jun

“Did you find everything you need today?”

“Yes, I just dashed in to grab some dental floss.”

“Do you have your membership card with you?”

“No, I just need the floss. I ate next door and the blackberry cobbler had seeds.”

(laughing) “I know how you feel. What’s your phone number?”

“What?”

“Your membership card is connected to your phone number. I can enter that for you.”

“No, I don’t have a card.”

“Would you like one? Membership has benefits. It gives you discounts, special coupons, and alerts you to super sales.”

“I just want the dental floss.”

“You can save a lot of money with a membership.”

“I’m buying a 95 cent roll of dental floss.”

“The non-member price is higher.”

“Fine. Here’s another quarter.”

“With a membership you also get community discounts mailed to you weekly, free movie tickets, and a special surprise on your birthday.”

“What’s the surprise?”

“I can’t tell you.”

“Because it’s a surprise. Look, my teeth are killing me. I just want the dental floss.”

“Okay then. That’s $12.98.”

“WHAT?!”

“Plus tax.”

“It’s a roll of dental floss.”

“I’m happy to give you the membership discount.”

“Good. They must be crazy to charge this much.”

“All I need for you to do is fill out these three pages with your name, address, email address, phone number, social security number, your bank account information, driver’s license number, and three references with their street and email addresses. Oh, don’t forget to list all your pets and their birthdays on the third page.”

“You’re shitting me.”

“We’re the only drug store that offers specials on your pet’s birthday. That’s why I like working here.”

“I’m not giving you all this!”

“I’m sorry, sir. I can’t give you the discounted membership price if you’re not a member. And joining is 100% free!”

“I’m getting a migraine. This blackberry seed is wedged between my molars. What if I just write down my name and phone number, okay?”

“We need the whole thing filled out…”

“Give me that! I can just wedge this corner of your waxy brochure … up into …. between … ”

“I’m not sure you’re supposed to put our brochure in your mouth…”

“GOT IT. Oh, wow. Man that feels better.”

(silence)

“I can get you a fresh membership brochure to fill out…”

“Don’t need it now. But you were right, membership does have its benefits.”

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