Summer Hours: 5:30am – Last Tour at 10:30pm
Winter Hours: 11:30am – Last Tour at 1:15pm
“Hi, Everybody and Welcome to the Historic Music Tour at Lookout Farm!! My name is Julie and I’ll be your tour guide today on this exciting and historically important exploration into the challenging musical triumphs here in the Cascade Mountains.
“First I need to do a sound check. Can everyone hear me in the back? Hello?! Hello?? Raise your hands if you can hear me! Oh, look at that: They remind me of second graders begging for the hall pass to pee.
“Now, as I said, my name is Greta and I’ll be your tour guide today. Everyone please stay together. Due to the historical import of these artifacts you may not touch anything, or each other in case that prompts further touching, and as we all know, it’s an abomination to touch ourselves.
“Imagine for a moment life in the historically rustic frontier. Early settlers crossed this continent on foot, pulling their precious possessions behind them in oxcarts and rickshaws, sunbathing in the deserts and bobsledding in the mountains. I myself, Lolita, have sunbathed often and can’t imagine their plight without a cold daiquiri in hand.
“After their harrowing journey, fortunately before checked bag fees got so onerous, they arrived here on this idyllic hillside surrounded by sequoias, maples and a militant colony of marijuana growers.
“And here we have uncovered this remarkably historic ‘Historic Music House’ which I will now venture to take you inside. If you get lost simply call my name ‘Iskra Fibingerova’ and I’ll call the police for you.
Oh Look!! It’s our first celebrity siting!
We all recognize Jack the Garden Cat, star of that illustrious and under-represented financially disappointing motion picture ALTITUDE FALLING! Let’s pause here a moment to take pictures.
“Well, that was exciting, wasn’t it! We should have charged you more at the entrance gate. – Ha, just kidding. But you know me, Olive Chakrabarti, I’m always the life of the party, which will begin shortly after you leave. Where were we?
“Oh, yes, inside this Historic Music House notice the intentionally designed uneven boards in the roof to allow light in for greater musical composition tonality. It’s believed when Beethoven was writing his 12 Symphony here he had the entire roof removed every afternoon to improve his sunbathing. Apparently he didn’t get enough on the journey over.
“Now here, ladies and gentleman, is the true highlight of the tour, the moment you’ve been waiting for, the penultimate road trip experience, the epiphany to greater understanding that will merge all humanity into primordial ooze. Here is the legendary remnants of the forte piano you’ve heard so much about:
“Yes, thrown behind the Historic Music House in haste after residents heard Philip Glass was threatening to visit, this is the magnificent remnants of the instrument Francis Scott Key used to write the ‘Star Spangled Flag’ before he went off to build his bridge in Washington. The name of the song was of course later changed when Betsey Ross insisted she was sewing a banner, not a flag.
“It was in this very room that Ravel was inspired by the incessantly repeating bullfrogs and his overarching quest to drown out the noise that he composed Bolero. The nearly monotonous tune the result of his short attention span and the shortage of manuscript paper causing him to use highlighters and write on the back when he wanted the musicians to play something different.
“This is the site of Lang Lang’s birth, his mother insisting on bearing her child in the woods under an old fallen piano.
“In fact this Historic Music House was remarkably, brace yourself, as I, Dilara Badem, do every night before my drunken meth-head husband crashes through the front door I nailed shut, brace yourself, for this Historic Music House was the home of Abraham Lincoln who so famously penned the song ‘I’m a Yankee Doodle Dandy!’
“It gives me shivers just to think about it. Jack the Garden Cat has come down to share this emotional moment with us!
“Oh, I see our next tour group has arrived which means your tour is over. You may take my picture one last time. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?”