Whereas I would like to be sleeping right now with my eyes shut. I know it’s early in the evening. I know it’s Saturday night and I ‘should’ be out on the town, in the big city, seeing the lights. But it’s been a tough week, and I want to burrow — into next Thursday.

I auditioned for an indie film on Tuesday. I read the whole script before the audition, and it is really a great script: very interesting characters, and I loved the character I was auditioning to play.

Somewhat disappointed, I left the audition Tuesday afternoon feeling like the director wasn’t interested in casting me for the role.

Tuesday evening I got an email that I had a callback on Friday. I knew where the casting director for the film was teaching a class that night and I tracked her down and chatted with her for about fifteen minutes about what the director is looking for, etc. Turns out the callback for that role was between me and one other actor.

I did research on some of the references in the script. I found another actor who was auditioning for the buddy role in the film. We met Thursday night and ran through the script together.

I assume you’re guessing where this story is heading.

I did the best work I can during the audition Friday. I listened to the director. I played the scene at least six times doing it differently each time, as the director requested. There was nothing else I could do to show my acting chops.

The other actor was a better fit for the part. He looked more like the character. And that’s the way it goes.

During the audition process on Friday the director told me that she was mixing and matching actors and “trying to find the right combination of people.” I told her I completely understood.

I completely understood that she was telling me I wasn’t getting cast.

I know this because that’s what I tell actors during the audition process.

There is truth to the statement. Some people are simply right for the role. Regardless of how talented another actor may be, he may not have the right look, or the right personality, to play the part.

I am getting some auditions here in New York, and some of them result in callbacks or even booked jobs. But there was something about this particular film that I really wanted to do. It’s this director’s first feature, it’s an ultra-low budget, it’s a small cast and crew. Everything about it felt like — my own movies. It felt like the kind of environment that I’m most comfortable in.

The goldfish don’t care. They’re slowly levitating in their little aquarium next to my computer, peacefully dreaming. Dreaming of waking to fish flakes above their head, unearthing a cache of food pellets in the gravel, swimming in a rushing brook, sleeping on the bottom of a muddy pond? I don’t know.

Tomorrow will be another day for them, and they’ll spend it looking for nourishment. I guess the same goes for me.

Goodnight for now.